Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but legend has it that she's still telling me about herself....

   I went to visit a psychic. I knocked on the door and she yelled "who is it?" So I left.

   I'm sorry to say, but all the Canadians in the game 2 basketball finals out-patriot us big time. I'm hanging my head in shame.

   If life gives you melons .. men will do pretty much anything you want them to.

   Thanks to Facebook birthday reminders I know who to unfriend after thinking who the heck is this person?

   People tell me to Get a Grip, then they get all pissed off when I put my hands around their neck.

   "Wow, that Hungry Man TV dinner sure lives up to its name. I couldn't eat another bite." ...said no hungry man ever.

   If you've broken the eggs, you should make the omelette

   Ex: I still love you. Me: “I’m gonna call you back, my damn fish is drowning”

   Going back to your ex is like reheating McDonald’s fries

   My anxiety has canceled more plans than bad weather.

   mike pence’s full name is mechanical pencil

   Do rednecks get fatter so they can have bigger tattoos?

   Grandpa: In my day we worked three times as hard. Me: In your day soda contained cocaine.

   If Lassie was a cat, little Timmy would've died in that well...

   I'd tell you guys a joke about chemistry but I know It wouldn't get a reaction and I would tell you a joke about a pencil but its pointless and my joke about leaches sucks and I have a feeling I might have told you the one about Deja vu before, so never m

   Did you know that coffee spelled backwards is eeffoc, which explains why I don't really give eeffoc about many thngs until I'm finish drinking it.

   [laying on the couch this morning] Wife: I’d rather shave my poison Ivy covered legs and douse with paint thinner while listening to Nickelback. Me: ...a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine.

   Ain’t nobody going to treat me like the celery on a HotWing plate

   If you're really really quiet, you can hear yourself doing the world a favor.