Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 650 of 6446

I went to visit a psychic. I knocked on the door and she yelled "who is it?" So I left.
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06-04-2019 09:14
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I'm sorry to say, but all the Canadians in the game 2 basketball finals out-patriot us big time. I'm hanging my head in shame.
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06-03-2019 20:01
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If life gives you melons .. men will do pretty much anything you want them to.
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06-03-2019 20:01
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Thanks to Facebook birthday reminders I know who to unfriend after thinking who the heck is this person?
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06-03-2019 11:50 by Moon
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People tell me to Get a Grip, then they get all pissed off when I put my hands around their neck.
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06-03-2019 03:48
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"Wow, that Hungry Man TV dinner sure lives up to its name. I couldn't eat another bite." ...said no hungry man ever.
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06-02-2019 17:19
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If you've broken the eggs, you should make the omelette
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06-02-2019 16:02
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Ex: I still love you.
Me: “I’m gonna call you back, my damn fish is drowning”
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06-02-2019 11:36 by Raven
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Going back to your ex is like reheating McDonald’s fries
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06-02-2019 10:34 by X
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My anxiety has canceled more plans than bad weather.

mike pence’s full name is mechanical pencil
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06-02-2019 06:47
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Do rednecks get fatter so they can have bigger tattoos?
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06-01-2019 19:41
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Grandpa: In my day we worked three times as hard. Me: In your day soda contained cocaine.
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06-01-2019 19:22
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If Lassie was a cat, little Timmy would've died in that well...
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06-01-2019 16:03
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I'd tell you guys a joke about chemistry but I know It wouldn't get a reaction and I would tell you a joke about a pencil but its pointless and my joke about leaches sucks and I have a feeling I might have told you the one about Deja vu before, so never m
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06-01-2019 15:58 by Moon
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Did you know that coffee spelled backwards is eeffoc, which explains why I don't really give eeffoc about many thngs until I'm finish drinking it.
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06-01-2019 09:34 by Moon
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[laying on the couch this morning] Wife: I’d rather shave my poison Ivy covered legs and douse with paint thinner while listening to Nickelback. Me: ...a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine.
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06-01-2019 07:17
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Ain’t nobody going to treat me like the celery on a HotWing plate
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05-31-2019 12:09
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If you're really really quiet, you can hear yourself doing the world a favor.
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05-31-2019 03:36 by Pinesap
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I have spend so much money on buying different clothes...without realizing the best moments of my life are spent without them.
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05-30-2019 10:15
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