Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I went to visit a psychic. I knocked on the door and she yelled "who is it?" So I left.
←Rate | 06-04-2019 09:14 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'm sorry to say, but all the Canadians in the game 2 basketball finals out-patriot us big time. I'm hanging my head in shame.
←Rate | 06-03-2019 20:01 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If life gives you melons .. men will do pretty much anything you want them to.
←Rate | 06-03-2019 20:01 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Thanks to Facebook birthday reminders I know who to unfriend after thinking who the heck is this person?
←Rate | 06-03-2019 11:50 by Moon Comments (0)  


   messageicon People tell me to Get a Grip, then they get all pissed off when I put my hands around their neck.
←Rate | 06-03-2019 03:48 Comments (1)  


   messageicon "Wow, that Hungry Man TV dinner sure lives up to its name. I couldn't eat another bite." ...said no hungry man ever.
←Rate | 06-02-2019 17:19 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you've broken the eggs, you should make the omelette
←Rate | 06-02-2019 16:02 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Ex: I still love you. Me: “I’m gonna call you back, my damn fish is drowning”
←Rate | 06-02-2019 11:36 by Raven Comments (0)  


   messageicon Going back to your ex is like reheating McDonald’s fries
←Rate | 06-02-2019 10:34 by X Comments (0)  


   messageicon My anxiety has canceled more plans than bad weather.
←Rate | 06-02-2019 07:05 by kisstoper707 Comments (0)  


   messageicon mike pence’s full name is mechanical pencil
←Rate | 06-02-2019 06:47 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Do rednecks get fatter so they can have bigger tattoos?
←Rate | 06-01-2019 19:41 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Grandpa: In my day we worked three times as hard. Me: In your day soda contained cocaine.
←Rate | 06-01-2019 19:22 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If Lassie was a cat, little Timmy would've died in that well...
←Rate | 06-01-2019 16:03 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I'd tell you guys a joke about chemistry but I know It wouldn't get a reaction and I would tell you a joke about a pencil but its pointless and my joke about leaches sucks and I have a feeling I might have told you the one about Deja vu before, so never m
←Rate | 06-01-2019 15:58 by Moon Comments (0)  


   messageicon Did you know that coffee spelled backwards is eeffoc, which explains why I don't really give eeffoc about many thngs until I'm finish drinking it.
←Rate | 06-01-2019 09:34 by Moon Comments (0)  


   messageicon [laying on the couch this morning] Wife: I’d rather shave my poison Ivy covered legs and douse with paint thinner while listening to Nickelback. Me: ...a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine.
←Rate | 06-01-2019 07:17 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Ain’t nobody going to treat me like the celery on a HotWing plate
←Rate | 05-31-2019 12:09 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you're really really quiet, you can hear yourself doing the world a favor.
←Rate | 05-31-2019 03:36 by Pinesap Comments (0)  


   messageicon I have spend so much money on buying different clothes...without realizing the best moments of my life are spent without them.
←Rate | 05-30-2019 10:15 Comments (0)  




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