Funny Status Messages
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I have kleptomania. But when it get's bad,i take something for it. 
OFFICE MEMO: Mrs. Waite is doing all my work today. If you're in a rush for it,go to Helen Waite
Sam Adams Triple Bock.....14% alcohol? Seriously? One of these is like 3.5 Coronas! .......Danger Will Robinson!
Walked by A Maternity Clothes Store today and there was a "Please Come Inside" sign on the door. Duh, Why do you think they need Maternity Clothes
Life is like roller coster indeed, and i'm about to throw up..*woakh*
knows a lot of people that will corner the market on coal this Christmas
- Strengthen your memory. Lie more.
has never been good with foreign languages. He just tried to wish someone a happy birthday in Spanish, and what he wound up saying was, "The hooker chews on poisoned lugnuts."
just met a lot of people who will corner the market on coal this Christmas.
also slept with Tiger Woods.
disappointed that all libraries don't carry free adderall
Every womans' dream is a nice big wedding. Every mans' nightmare is a nice big wedding
Having a baby changes the way you view your in-laws. I love it when they come to visit now. They can hold the baby and I can go out.
Joe Dirt says 'Lifes a garden Dig It' I say 'life is NOT a garden so stop being a hoe!'
Tiger woods just changed his Relationship to: "it's Complicated
Have you ever looked at other people and think to yourself "I'm just better than you"......welcome to my life
How about those White House crashers? The other day they also crashed the Black Caucus, and if you've seen then, you know that's quite a trick.
wondering if unemployment will be sending me a christmas bonus?
“There are better things in life than alcohol, but alcohol makes up for not having them
Middle age is when your broad mind and narrow waist exchange places 