Funny Status Messages

   just found out my mom is the 10th mistress to be linked to Tiger Woods.

   weed is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.

   my english is getting gooder and gooder

   would have gotten away with it, if it hadn't been for those meddling kids... or the cctv footage

   I figured out why I can't get off this damn computer......I have a farm to Harvest, Fish to feed and a zoo to keep up....FML!

   sometimes I just want to run up to a stranger on the street, smack them on the chest, yell 'YOU'RE IT!!' and then run away.

   When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.

   Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else.

   went to a doctor and got tested positive.. for being the shiittt!

   Life is hard. After all, it kills you.

   I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess.

   I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it

   I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.

   I am the literary equivalent of a Big Mac and Fries.

   Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.

   Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

   Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.

   Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

   A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths

   passed a homeless guy on the way to the Coinstar machine today. "Sorry, I have no change"...man was that awkward.....