Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   likes to discuss his newest disgusting rash in crowded elevators

   When life gives you melons... you know you're dyslexic.

   How many Susan Boyle's does it take to change a lightbulb? AGHHH, Turn it off, turn it off!!

   got an error on his Windows PC: "Keyboard not found! Press any key to continue"

   putting the lotion on its skin, before it gets the hose again.

   chose the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.

   Surely you cant be serious! ---- Oh but I am....And dont call me Shirley

   singing and dancing around her room in her undies.

   Yes, I am serious. And don't call me Shirley.

   can ride a bike with no handlebars

   You can never plan the future by the past.

   wouldn't join any club that would accept him as a member.

   has just realized there's a website that you can search for all the sex offenders that live within 50 km of your postal code, check it out!! www.plentyoffish.com

   swears I would loose my head if it wasn't attached to my body!

   What's the speed limit of sex? 68. Because at 69 you have to turn around.

   Police in Texas seized thousands of ecstasy tablets with pictures of Obama's face on them. Drug dealers chose Obama because the pills make you feel hope and change and then send you off to a faraway place.

   two fish, named one, one and the other two.. so if one dies I will still have two. =)

   doesn't think both of the Dr.'s hands belong on my shoulders during the prostate exam.

   she is a "case worker". You'd need to drink a case before you work her.

   stealing mannequin legs -- the make great stocking stuffers.