Funny Status Messages

   Just saw this on the back of a car: "My child is an honor student, but my president is a moron."

   I am starting my diet and exercise program next Monday – I am tired of looking like I ATE four children instead of like I HAVE four children…

   can't really remember, but I think my life must have been a lot more productive before she discovered Facebook...

   thinks Saturdays are like pre-school. You spend all day doing nothing productive and, as a reward, you get to take a nap.

   May the fleas of a thousand camels infest the crotch of any person who ruins my day and may their arms be too short to scratch

   drinks beer to keep people employed

   starting to miss 80s and 90s music. Lil Wayne? Soulja Boy? Miley Cirus? Jonas Brothers?

   would like to congratulate the makers of her new facial cleanser for truth in advertising. They promised younger looking skin & they were right...I haven't had acne like this since high school.

   wondering why the head keeps falling off his John the Baptist bobble head?

   decided to eat healthy tonight. I heard walnuts are healthy so I think I'll add them to my brownies.

   has decided that TVs are only made for two things, football and porn. Both are actually very different, one is were sweaty men pile on top of each other and the other one is just football.

   knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad...

   wondering that if a pig loses its voice, does that mean that he is disgruntled?

   my shadow jus stopped followin me on twitter...he'll be bak, bright days are ahead

   wondering where noah kept woodpeckers on his ark

   Can't wait to celebrate James Earl Ray Day this Monday....

   gonna get some gold in my mouth, turn my hat sideways

   Call the Nestle Crunch Hotline at 1-800-295-0051. When you are asked if you want to continue in English or Spanish, just wait quietly for about 10 seconds and enjoy. :) Keep going and press option 4. Listen to the options...then press 7.

   'This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 30 dog, seconds dog! ... Now read it without the word dog!'

   burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef