Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   considering applying for a job as a news anchor. I already exaggerate stories to the billionth degree every day, but now I can broadcast them to the world!

   the difference in Tiger Woods and Santa is Santa stops at 3 hos.

   just accidentally started a turf war in his neighbourhood

   Order a pizza from Papa Johns today NATIONWIDE-- they are making a donation to the families of the four fallen police officers in Lakewood (WA) - all pizzas sold on Tuesday, Dec. 8 and Wednesday, Dec. 9. ALL proceeds to a trust for their nine children

   My first time doing stand up comedy was like losing my virginity: uncomfortable,awkward but I did get alot of laughs!

   Great minds have purposes, others have wishes.

   Our local pharmacy was robbed of 60 bottles of Viagara today. Police say the suspect is a hardened criminal.

   Oompa Loompa, doompadee do, Tiger's got another alleged mistress ... or two?!

   What are three wordsTiger woods doesn't want to hear during sex? "Honey i'm home!"

   I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

   At least Tiger Woods was being truthful when he told his wife every morning that he was off to play 18 holes.

   Use "can of whup-ass" only, as whup-ass is not sold in jars, squeeze tubes or resealable bags.

   When I have kids, I'll teach them about Krampus. That should prevent "naughtiness." Google it.

   know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much.

   Girls we love for what they are; men for what they promise to be.

   : “The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present.”

   After reading that 'smoking caused cancer in laboratory rats and mice', I have decided to leave my cigarettes on a high shelf, where the rats and mice can't get them.

   I'm dreaming of a melty turquoise Christmas. And sugar plums are fighting lesbian dragons in my head. This LSD-nog is fantastic.

   wondering...have you ever felt like a fire hydrant and all your friends were dogs?

   needs a divorce from you, Facebook. You're no good for me.