Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   just invented a new parachute for morons...it opens on impact.

   on an Hedgehog's back, Wearing underpants made of cast iron.

   FML- facebook is my life

   reminds you that freedom isn't free. I had to pay $20 for some guy to get me out of my driveway.

   I spent my life searching the world trying to find myself; and when I finally did....I forgot why I was looking!

   Is global warming real or are the hot headed scientist to close to the thermometer.

   If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

   If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?

   Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?

   just because you take a picture of a lawn chair, make it black and white, and write 'Summer 09' on it doesn't make you an artist.

   If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I thinkit's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But only if you're serious about adopting the vulture.

   Love is a matter of chemistry,sex is a matter of physics.

   Sex appeal is made up of 50% of what you got and 50% of what people think you got.

   People have to recognize that the "do-it-all-mom", as the saying goes, often ends up doing everything but "it".

   Italicize words to give your status that gangsta lean.

   wondering why Tom Brady's baby looks like Tiger Woods.

   : Santa Claus reported his naughty girls list stolen, Police comfirm Tiger Woods is the prime suspect.

   : Does that mean Santa knows where all the naughty girls live? No wonder he's so jolly!!

   voted most likely to get "slapped" in High-School

   Monkeys use sex as a way to end an argument....One of my favorite techniques as well