Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   going to make his new years resolution to procrastinate more, but he is going to wait until next year

   you know you are married when the sportscenter theme song excites you more then your wife's advances

   loves the feeling of new socks on his feet...

   ..wonders what the best thing was BEFORE slice bread came along.

   Every time someone takes me off their Facebook friend list an angel looses its wings.

   Smile and the world will smile back at you .. :D

   Its so cold, if you suck on an ice cube it gets bigger.

   read that "Tiger is ready to quit golf to save his marriage" - I'm no therapist but I am pretty sure quitting other women would be even more effective.

   Let's see how forthcoming my FBF'S are . Leave a swear word or your favorite cuss . I know most of you have potty mouths so go for it let loose.

   "Wonder Bread , Fluff and Skippy" a timeless combination

   Scientists say they have located the gene that causes obesity. His name is Gene Milman, the founder of Krispy Kreme.

   I put on my favorite winter jacket for the first time the other day, and as soon as I put my hands in those pockets, I was immediately reminded that last year I didn't have any money, either.

   OK...Iraq sells oil $128 a barrel to us...Yet Iraq buys grain at $7 a bushel from us. Hmmm, solution...Sell grain at $128 a bushel. Can't buy it? Tough! Eat your oil... I'll bet ya the price of oil comes down real quick....

   My 2010 New Year's resolution is to NOT interrupt Taylor Swift if she is making an acceptance speech at a music awards ceremony.

   The mailman comes in any weather, because his bag is made of leather.

   hinks it's quite possible that I will be as unproductive today as I was yesterday ..

   My wife just asked me "would you say I'm a selfish person?" My answer - "well, not to your face..."

   Friends come and Friends go... Enemies accumulate

   wants you to know that if a jelly fish ever stung you, i'd pee on you!

   Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.