Funny Status Messages

   On relationship status they should have "is getting played by_____________"

   I just told a lie and now my pants feel warm. I hope they dont catch fire!

   Dear Tequila: We had a deal. You were supposed to make me sexier, smarter and a better dancer. But I saw the video. And I think we need to talk...

   If Tylenol, duct tape and a band-aid can't fix it...you've got serious problems.

   So put that in your juice box and suck it!

   I may be the girl of us two, but I think I've proven I've got way more balls.

   No more b!tch pills for YOU miss crabby A$$

   on the toilet pretending to be a fighter pilot dropping bombs into the ocean!

   'Battery Low'....Why the hell didn't they install sockets in the toilet?!

   messing with the new intern's mind and telling her to go pretend to water the fake plants...

   girls have unique powers they get wet without water, bleed without an injury & make boneless things get hard.

   just witnessed a guy in a Dominos uniform driving a UPS truck.. This is either grand theft auto or the most epic pizza trade ever.

   hates doing laundry and wishes her clothes were suicidal so they would hang themselves

   ...didn't even know that Lindsay Lohan was addicted to milk. I thought it was crack...

   Only a few of us have that special talent to trip UP the stairs.

   two ways to get friends you never knew you had, join facebook and pull out a pack of gum!!!

   just had a work email from someone asking to "bare with me" until the system is back up. I replied that I didn't see how nudity would fix the problem.

   According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.

   The difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.

   Money talks...but all mine ever says is good-bye.