Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   APPARENTLY, when watching children, it's 'bad' to throw scraps of food and water down on the floor so they can fend for themselves. I don't really understand the problem since I tied they're leashes to the table leg so nothing bad would happen!!!

   Just hired an body guard from an African tribe untouched by civilization.....not sure what he's doin but my friends keep disappearing.......But these steaks he makes are AWESOME!!!!

   my daughter asked me, who is that boy on American Idol? I said his name is Ellen Degeneres

   south africa is the only country that will host a world even in a sport they cant play

   Telling my nephew that leprechauns store their gold in electrical sockets and that he'd need a fork to get it out probably wasn't a good idea.

   -- Liking your own facebook status is like a bloke congratulating his hand after a w**k!

   Wishes you the best of luck in life!! Everyone else already knows your screwed!!

   Was at a pet store when a gerbil went "WOOF", then I noticed a gay guy behind me!!

   Tough decisions... Beat off in the shower and waste water or use Kleenex and add to landfill? What can I say? I love Mother Earth and big t*tties!!

   It is not pre marital sex if you have no intention of getting married

   wish every relationship i've been in had a 30 day money back guarantee!

   Why did the chicken cross the roa... *thump*thump* Nevermind.

   Greeting cards are for people who mean every word someone else said.

   The word of the day is LEGS..... Ladies please spread the word.

   Don't be afraid of rejection..It hurts, but you won't die from it.!!!

   Amy Winehouse has completed re-hab and claims she is clean & sober. She also wants to be known as Amy Grapehouse.

   whats the main difference between a vacuum cleaner and a harley davidson? The position of the dirtbag

   An error has occured: User performed an illegal operation when they got out of bed. Return user to bed to continue.

   says you look like... I need another drink

   When I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead