Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   They've brought in a new rule at work: no drinking at your desk. I'm not too worried about it - there's 78 other desks here.

   A man walked in to a bar and said, "I'll have a pint of less, please." "Less?" the barman replies, "what's that?" "I don't know either," the man said, "but my doctor told me to drink less."

   My doctor asked me if I drank to excess. I told him I would drink to anything.

   ' It won't be long now,' said the rabbi as he circumcised the little boy.'

   Jesus said in the Bible that it was much easier for children to get into heaven than adults. What priests want in heaven, they get in heaven.

   Bomb Disposal Slogan: All's well as long as it's ticking.

   "Man Falls Off Bridge While Urinating" Authorities are still trying to figure out what pissed him off.

   I met this girl who was so ugly that Facebook banned her profile pic and sent her back to Myspace.

   Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then they proceed to tell you why it isn't.

   wondering if what he is wondering is wonderful enough!

   if you ever want a confidence boost just turn on your tv and watch Maury. If that doesnt help, you need help.

   life's a b***h, but she throws one hell of a party..

   first they ban all the mexicans from az and now my happy Meals from cali,.,.,. Wats upp with this country??

   I am now home from what would have been a hard day had I done any work

   optimist drowns in half full tub

   If i'm ever sleeping and a bunch of Zs start coming out of my head, please call a doctor.

   What do you mean I can't order a Whopper with bacon in between 2 chicken patties wrapped in a burrito? I thought this was Have It Your Way?

   I really think that one whom sratches his or her own ass, should not bite their Fingernails

   a friend on facebook whose status says "Suicidal - Standing on the edge of a cliff"....So I poked him...

   You might not be the best looking girl in here, but beauty is only a light switch away!