Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I tried to flash an oncoming driver to warn him of a cop but I think it was too dark for him to see my A**

   I hate Cliches. They're about as useful as a screen door on a submarine.

   relationships are hard work, more like a full time job. Hence they should be treated as such. If she wants to leave me, she must give me 2 weeks notice, severance pay and help me get a temp assistant.

   What goes 'clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop, BANG'? An Amish drive-by shooting.

   Today's forecast: Insanity with scattered crazies.

   37% of Americans agree that while they would hate being British, they wouldn't mind having a British accent....

   Does the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same melody?

   I put the "ass" in passive aggressive. But you'd know that if you ever bothered to pay attention.

   Anything that is unrelated to elephants is irrelephant.

   After Arizona's new immigration law, the Phoenix Suns managing partner denounced the new law and said "it was wrong". So, me and 4 friends went to the game without a ticket, and got kicked out. If he liked the law, he should have let us stay.

   It's a matter of finger's lickin' where I'm Lovin' It and you can still Have It Your Way ;)

   One should always be in love, this is the reason one should never marry

   probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

   Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?

   going to start a dating site for gangsters. bone thugs and e harmony

   Lady Gaga looks likes she's been covered in glue and she's just collected crap as she walks past stuff

   We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police

   if a man says to a woman,"Girl, you better go in the kitchen and bring me a sandwich," Do you know what a good comeback for that ladies? You better "comeback" with a God damn sandwich.

   I love how everyone seems to be able to sing on facebook *singing*

   Growing up my mom would take me to the toy store and be so patient as I sat their for a long time trying to make a decision about which toy to buy...thank God she doesn't have to go to the liquor store with me now.