life Funny Status Messages

   I only understand like 19% of life!

   Sometimes life is like a profile picture....you have to ''crop'' people out that no longer deserve to be ''in the picture"

   Each cigarette you smoke takes six minutes off your life. A friend of mine was such a heavy smoker he actually went back in time.

   For just once in my life I want my phone to ring and for someone on the other end to ask if I'm on a 'secure line'

   So, where's the reset button on this life thing?

   Life would be so much more fun if there were random Dukes of Hazzard style car ramps along the drive to work.

   Life is like toilet paper, your either on a roll or taking $hit from an a$$hole.

   Dance like nobody's watching. Sing like nobody's listening. Post like your life is marginally more interesting than it is in actuality.

   " My life is like a never-ending episode of The Walking Dead where nothing happens but somehow everything is f*cked. " Girlfriend!

   May the millions of lights that shine today light up your life with endless prosperity, good fortune and joy. Sending you and your family warmest wishes for a wonderful and happy Diwali, from India

   My life is like a never-ending episode of The Walking Dead where nothing happens but somehow everything is f*cked.

   The secret to life is to always do whatever's next.

   Getting high on life has never helped me get a handjob in a toilet stall.

   My life is like a romantic comedy expect there's no romance and it's just me laughing at my own jokes

   I'm at that stage in life where I have to choose between getting loved or getting laid. Tough!

   I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life if I die on Friday.

   No use in complaining about life, you were the fastest sperm, this is your reward. . .

   Any teenager who is anxious to run his or her own life is obviously too young to do it.

   I'm sorry for ruining your life & turned you off to men forever, but please accept this cat as a parting gift. - Me after every first date

   Ferris Bueller did more in one day than I've done in my entire life.