father OR dad Funny Status Messages

   Today is the most confusing day in the hood... You are not the father!!!!! Maury

   Shout out to all the deadbeat dads and sperm donors this Father's Day. Unbeknownst to you, there are kids everywhere that are becoming AMAZING PEOPLE because they want to be nothing like you.

   Dear Dad, Thanks for not pulling out! Happy Father's Day!!!

   Bowe Bergdahl’s father looks like that Duck Dynasty guy.

   Chicken strips because Chicken never knew her father.

   Funny thing I just heard my computer call out to it's father......"Data"

   I brought my M16 in the house the other day and my father asked me what I was so afraid of, I answered "the d$mn Decepticons" I laughed, my dad laughed, the toaster laughed , I shot the toaster...

   "Dad what's an infinite loop?"..."Ask your mother."... "Mom what's an infinite loop?"... "Ask your father."... "Dad what's an infinite loop?"... "Ask your........

   Asked my 65 yr old father if he believed in gay marriage. His response "I saw my friends die for freedom. That means freedom for EVERY American."

   Who are you going to believe - me, a husband and father with no criminal record, or some fancy HD security footage from Victoria's Secret?

   I live by my father's motto: "Life is a football game. Try to fall asleep in the first quarter and complain if anyone shuts off the TV."

   Three times when it is OK for a man to cry: At your father's funeral, when a heroic dog dies saving his master, and when Mr. Happy gets caught in your zipper.

   Mary had a little lamb Her father shot it dead. Now it goes to school with her, Between two hunks of bread.

   A pregnancy test that also tells who the father is. But instead of a stick, you pee on Maury Povich. Don't worry, he's into it. TRUST ME

   —Mom, what's for dinner? —Nothing, son. Your father studied Graphic Design.

   Forgive me father, for I have sinned. It's been two weeks since my last confession. Smell my finger.

   Yesterday I met my ex-girlfriend’s son and told him about how I once auditioned to be his father.

   Forgive me father, for I like sin.

   Manager claims OJ Simpson could be Khloe Kardashian's father. And I thought this family couldn't get any more dysfunctional.

   "Luke, I am your father." - Darth Vader, after he found out Luke has money.