Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Doesn't it feel like the Facebook friends who NEVER respone to your posts are secretly judging you?

   has been having 3-somes with hot twins. My friends ask how I tell them apart. Its easy... Lisa is the one with long blond hair and Luke is the one with the six pack and hairy legs

   .Of course Margaritaville sounds nice but living there would suck.. There's probably a DUI stop every 8 feet. And Living on Sponge cake? Really? Gross!!!

   better pay his COX cable bill before they cut our COX off...

   once cops get smart enough to put a breathalyzer test at the end of a Taco Bell drive-thru WE'RE ALL SCREWED!

   my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall

   "It's time to take back our country!" Fine. Just return it to your nearest Indian casino.

   A Prius just tried to race me from a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100 feet, but I can only walk so fast.

   The law says I can't drive with an open container, but it says nothing about jello shots!!

   Parents inThis Economy is soo bad... Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

   The best things in life are free.... or have no interest or payments for one full year.

   My philosophy? People who have creepy dungeons probably don't wear a watch. So, when a stranger asks for the time, I pepper spay them.

   The Deadliest Catch would be so much cooler if they'd plant a serial killer on each boat.

   Where did Macaulay Culkin get the cardboard people for the party in Home Alone? Don't tell me you haven't also wondered this from time to time.

   I miss The Oregon Trail. Life seemed so simple when your biggest worry was killing enough buffalo before you died of dysentery.

   I think my upstairs neighbors are shouting about who can stomp the loudest.

   An Officer came to me and asked "Where were you between 4 and 6?" I responded "Kindergarten."

     If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record?

     When they say "instant credit," they actually mean "instant debt"!

   The founder of 'Jews for Jesus' died today.. the funeral will be catered by 'Vegetarians for Meat'