Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   - Definition of Keyring---A handy little gadget that allows you to lose all your f**king keys at once.....

   In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence

   Bing is a great website, for internet searches. I know this, because I Googled it.

   Why is it, "A penny for your thoughts," but, "you have to put your two cents in?" Somebody's making a penny

   filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do?

   attempting to give a fuck: ███████████████████] 99% Complete... ERROR!: Unable to give a fuck.

   found a dead lizard on the back porch...apparently, a reptile dysfunction.

   So where are all the "Save the Gulf" concerts? We can send bjillions to Haiti but forget the working folks in the Gulf, eh?

   Don't hold onto anger, hurt or pain. They steal your energy and keep you from love !

   Why do all Mexican restaurants serve Pepsi and not Coke?

   Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

   Let's say you were to date someone for a few months and then they told you that they were actually " married". Is that considered good news or bad news?

   Half the lies they tell about me aren't true

   You know you're getting old when you no longer buy cereal for the prize but for the fiber content.

   just written "You have no new messages" on a piece of paper, put it in a bottle and thrown it far out to sea.

   How much would it suck if your name was really "Ed Hardy"?

   Joran van der Sloot arrested for murder? Wow! If only there were warning signs.

   Justin Bieber is approximately the same diameter as the oil pipe in the Gulf......is anybody thinking what I'm thinking?

   Next for BP: they're going to add balsamic vinegar to the oil; turning the Gulf into a nice vinaigrette.

   Sign of the times when you don't take a newspaper or magazine to the bathroom with you anymore. Instead you take your iPad with you. Be sure to wipe the screen when your done!!!