Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Thinks 'employee of the month' is a good example of how someone can be a winner and a loser at the same time.

   If someone's calling from a blocked or unknown number, I like to answer "Hasenfeffer Incorporated, Schlemazel speaking".

   It's amazing the amount of bullsh*t a man will put up with if he has even the slightest thought he might get a piece of ass.

   When I'm drunk and in the woods, I always have the urge to try to juggle squirrels.

   I'd consider being a farmer. As long as I could live on the Pepperidge Farm, and raise Milanos.

   This whole time you've been worried about dying from unhealthy burgers, but now you find out that drinking water with a McDonalds Shrek glass is what's going to kill you. Go figure

   wishing that girl on Maury would hurry up and find her baby daddy already!

   going to jail....because I just assaulted that plate of nachos!

   i was playing ping pong against king kong in hong kong using my ding dong ...

   My toilet seat was stolen, not sure who took it, right now I have nothing to go on.

   typing up a letter to the producers of "Unsolved Mysteries"...maybe they can figure out how many damn licks it takes to get to the center of a damn Tootsie Pop!!!!

   thinks that the US Soccer team should dress up as oral hygienists to scare the english into forfeiture

   Sometimes being a good friend just means being a good listener...

   My wife told me that I am immature, I said I know you are but what am I ??

   I think we should all look to other serious controversial environmental issues for guidance when we think of a punishment for the BP CEO. I think we should club him like a baby seal !! Then we can run a commercial saying that we are sorry for the mess w

   All the girls become ordinary, no matter how much important they are to you before, once you spend certain amount of time with them after commitment.

   Its says "omg Cholesterol" on my Box of Honey Nut Cheerios... is that bad???

   If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?

   Personality can open doors, but only character can keep them open.

   thinks farmville is o.k. but pharmville is a blast.