Funny Status Messages

   wishes they'd make an app that turns my iPhone into a taser..

   just bought a loaf of bread and a tube of Vagisil for my wife.....now there's a major Catch-22.

   going to take a picture of his first kid and use age progression software to figure out what he'll look like when he's 16. Then I'm going to frame the picture and keep it as a centrepiece in the house. Then when the appropriate time comes and he realiz

   I bet the hardest part of a lesbian relationship is deciding who gets to be the one who's always right.

   so today at work, I accidently ripped one in front of a hot female. Seein I was embaressed, she cheerfuly responded, "oh yeah?". She then proceeded to lift her leg and cut one of the ripest farts ive ever heard. Oddly awesome.

   Nothing quite takes the place of research like making stuff up.

   I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.

   I need a credit card that can afford my lifestyle.

   wondering why someone would put down their needle anywhere near a haystack.

   It says something when you stay true to a dream even though that dream maybe out of sight.

   The older I get the better I used to be.

   If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders.

   I remember as a kid we had to buy Tiger Beat and mail in a request along with $2 to join the Valerie Bertinelli fan club. Now my kids just do a name search on fb and click "like".

   going to be in a movie. I'm playing the man from Nantucket.

   thought a ipad was some sort of feminine hygiene product

   The Twilight Saga is a lot like the World Cup! They run around for a few hours, no one scores and the fans say you have to watch it to understand.

   "Except For Ending Slavery, Fascism, Nazism and Communism, WAR has Never Solved Anything"

   The only thing I will help you with on Farmville is a slaughterhouse...lemme know when you're ready for a BBQ.

   married the perfect woman. You know how he knows? Simple. If something goes wrong, it's never her fault. It's always his.

   most problems can be solved with good friends, good chocolate, or good beer. For everything else, there's duct tape.