Funny Status Messages

   A man in Kentucky cut off another man’s beard and forced him to eat it during a fight. In a related story, I’m staying the heck out of Kentucky.

   If she says "do you notice anything different about me?" just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something

   So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave. How’s your day

   Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy. Surgeon: I'm not putting your wisdom teeth back in.

   The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult. The migraine that follows.

   "Shia LaBeouf" sounds like something a French guy would say after a really raunchy fart.

   I got mugged by 6 dwarves last night... Not Happy.

   A new poll says that 53% of shoppers start the day after Thanksgiving. The other 47% are men.

   A man and woman in Britain became the oldest couple in the world to divorce — they are both 98 years old. It was an ugly breakup. She found another woman’s teeth in their bedroom.

   You know you're a VW bus driver when you start out speeding towards a hill, and still end up at the top with a line of cars behind you.

   I see Black Friday is coming up and wondering who profits the most on that day? The people who are smart enough to stay home feeling thankful for everything they have the day after Thanksgiving?

   Thinking about bathroom remodeling ideas. So if you can post your selfies below that would be great. Thanks!

   Can we celebrate Thanksgiving this year and be thankful for all we have before we start thinking about all the cheap Chinese made plastic junk we don't need for Christmas?

   My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.

   My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don't think I can trust his judgment.

   To make you feel better if you're single this Valentine's Day just remember, Saint Valentine was imprisoned then beat to death with a club.

   No bathe November is going to make Thanksgiving interesting...

   A new law just came out where all bicyclist are now required to wear a helmet which is ridiculous, I mean when I was a kid I took all kinds of spills on my bike without a helmit and turned out perfectly fine and turned out perfectly fine.

   Having one of those awkward moments when you're not looking at Facebook and you're crazy Facebook stalker finds you on YouTube :/

   Ran out of coffee this morning. Vodka seemed a reasonable replacement. Everyone is soo pretty this today...