Funny Status Messages

   Today my friend told me that she's "addicted" to running. The only way I'm becoming "addicted" to running is if I'm also "addicted" to being chased by wild animals or the cops.

   If all of the whitening brightening toothpaste I used delivered, my teeth would now be fluorescent.

   Spiders should be required to keep proof of all the insects they've killed so when I find them in the house I can decide whether to leave them alone, move them outside, or flatten them with extreme prejudice.

   I don't care how bad I have to go, I will hold it until I'm clocked back in after lunch. If I have to be here, you WILL pay me to use the bathroom.

   People who win the lottery always say something like, "I never imagined it would happen to me." Bullshi*t, everyone imagines winning the lottery!

   Thanks for the passive aggressive facebook status about me, but I'm taking the passively passive approach by not caring.

   Yes, cute waitress, I just took a bite big enough to choke an ox, now is the perfect time for you to ask me how everything is.

   Look, you idiot cat, if you don't want me to rub your belly then quit rolling around and exposing it to me. Quit biting me.

   There are few things in life more relieving than having a cop turn off the road after following you for an extended period of time.

   Hey, candy bar companies: My bite size far exceeds your pathetic estimates.

   If you ask me a question, I say "I don't know" and you ask me again, prepare for a very ridiculous answer.

   Why is Monday so far from Friday, but Friday so close to Monday?

   Driving school wouldn't be so bad if cops started giving tickets to all the hot girls they pull over.

   Girlfriend caught you looking at another woman? Turn to your girl and tell her that you're glad she doesn't dress like that.

   I'm at that very brief period of drunk right now where I love my life and everybody in it.

   Thank you guys for the birthday wishes. And thank you Facebook for reminding them.

   If I'm ever on life support, pull the plug and plug it back in. See if that works.

   What's this bullsh*t that Pandora is telling me that I've gone over my free music listening privileges for the month and now I have to pay a fee to listen some more?!?! This is America! And in America, Pandora should be free no matter how much you use it!

   I think this person in the bank drive thru in front of me is refinancing their mortgage.

   Your eyes make the stars look like they're not shining.