Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I was running from the law (literally), I'd much rather be running from an athletic cop than a fat cop because an athletic cop will only tackle me if he catches me, a fat cop will shoot me just so he doesn't have to run.

   Facebook now automatically scans your brain through your monitor. To block, go to your kitchen cabinet and remove the box of aluminum foil. Wrap foi laround your head, stay calm, and breathe through your left nostril. This is a serious problem. Copy & pas

   My anti-aging face cream gave me acne. No need to go that young, L'Oreal.

   ..is drinking 2% milk, wondering what the other 98% is...

   A huge gym opened up right next to my local bar. No thanks, I'll just stick to my one-armed pint glass curls, drunk friend dead-lifts and pick-my-drunk-ass-off-the-floor push-ups.

   The only reason I'd want to be both rich and famous is so that I can arrange dates with pretentious gold-diggers that are aware of my wealth and status -- then pick them up for our date in a beat-up, lime green Kia Rio and see their reaction.

   Girls, if you think you can "do better" we know you want a guy that makes more money. Guys, if you think you can "do better" we know you want a girl you like seeing naked... better.

   My friend was at a strip club and a girl came over and shook her goods for him while he talked to a friend not even looking at her. She said, "Scrw you, you didn't tip or even look at me?!?" Embarrassed, he gave her $20. My buddy got guilt stripped.

   I was not surprised to hear the obese woman in front of me in the Funnel Cake line say, "I only come to the fair to eat." However, I was skeptical when she added, "I like that I can eat AND walk around."

   I just read this in a news story: “Williams' body was found stuffed in a bag in the bathroom of his apartment with no obvious signs of foul play.” Um, isn't his body being in a bag in the bathroom a pretty good indicator that something went wrong?

   Every top 10 list I've ever seen has at least two entries that are clearly better than number 1... especially when it comes to the preseason College Football poles.

   I finally got around to reading the story of the headless horseman.Up until now I always thought the story was about a horse rider that couldn't get a erection.

   Ecclesiastes assures us... that there is a time for every purpose under heaven. A time to laugh... and a time to weep. A time to mourn... and there is a time to dance.

   Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.

   The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from eating too much pi.

   when I go to Starbucks and the cashier asks me my name so the barista can call out my order, I say "Latte."

   Materialism: buying things we don't need with money we don't have to impress people that don't matter.

   The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from eating too much pi.

   When did "MUST READ" become code for "This is a total waste of time?"

   They should change the name from "Girls Gone Wild" to "Girls Got Drunk!!!"