Funny Status Messages

   Don’t ask me! I’m 60 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.

   Apparently when my wife asked which of her friends I wanted to invite for a birthday threesome I was supposed to give one name ... not two.

   Hand dryers in restrooms are just drying your washed hands with doodoo air...

   The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.

   Wife: what are you doing Me: teaching the dog poker Wife: where are your pants Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago

   Anyone have a lot of unused pregnancy tests? Hate to see all this pee go to waste.

   As a kid, I was less concerned about Goldilock's safety than I was about Mama and Papa bear not sleeping in the same bed anymore.

   After much thought and consideration I've decided not to host the Oscars this year.

   The neighbors are already putting up their Christmas decorations before Thanksgiving who have obviously been shopping in Walmart.

   One thing my buddies and I all know is to never open your phone when your wife is around!

   Her: So, are you seeing anyone? Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?

   If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.

   I can tell if someone is judgmental just by looking at them

   On Thanksgiving day, let us all be thanksful that we were not born as turkeys.

   I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.

   Should say in that religious book.. The Reason God created marriage.. So death wasn't so disappointing.

   every summer people try to work on their "summer body" ...i've been working on my winter body for years

   Did you know the Boeing 767 is made up of 3.1 million parts from 800 different manufacturers, each of whom was the lowest bidder? Anyways, have safe flight when you head home for Thanksgiving!

   Seeing a Camel Toe on a pair of leopard-print tights in Wal-mart is as close as I will ever get to going on an African safari.

   Me: sorry mom, called you by accident.. Mom: no worries, had you by accident.