Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   At what point does "experiencing higher than normal call volumes" become "we don't feel like hiring more people."

   If your boyfriend isn't ignoring you as much as you'd like him to, suggest he join a few more fantasy football leagues.

   remembering the days when cell phones were used for making phone calls.

   Note to self: I think we should see other people.

   thinks a religious war compares to 2 kids having an arguement who got the toughest imaginary friend

   You can't turn a ho into a housewife unless you're playing Scrabble.

   Drown in your blood or live in your sht

   When love is not madness... it is not love.

   i think next time I'm out drinkin I'm gunna pull the label of my last beer and stick it on my shoulder just in case I get pulled over... that way I can say "no I havent officer, I'm on the patch"

   USA & UK... Two countries standing side by side fighting the terrorist!!!!

   I still can't believe it! It does exist! Yes, just read that actually there is a place called "Canadian Hurricane Center"! Honest!

   relationship status as changed from " It's complicated " to "is in a relationship but the wife doesn't know"

   hates having friend requests off faceless girls. Its called facebook for a reason you stupid splitarse! And that faceless pic looks like Darth Vader. Who wants 2 be friends with Darth Vader?!!

   When I'm done using a unisex bathroom I leave the seat halfway up....never know who is coming in after me

   A man walks into a bar. He says to the bartender..... "Ow".

   If zombie's were dyslexic everyone named Brian would be in trouble

   Every time you lick a 9 volt, battery, you lick every person that's licked that 9 volt battery.

   Sure, I've got buns of steel. Just look in the breadbox.

   If god is a dj, life is a dancefloor, love is a rhythm, you are the music, you get what you are given it's all how you use it and god wants you to shake your ass!

   It may be surprising to know that hippos are the cause of more deaths in the wild than any other animal, but you can't say you weren't warned just how hungry they were.