Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   is reading his friends' drunken late night what's on their mind posts. Common themes seem to be trying to get laid, "drama" and having "one more" drink.

   had a scab on his knee that fell off today. He is a sore loser.

   Some people should "dance like no one's looking" where I can't see them.

   Ashton Kutcher is trading in for a new model.....and I aint talking about cars.....

   Hey Ashton, when Demi is too old to kick it, I'm available!

   Every guy thinks catching the girl he loves is an amazing accomplishment. Actually, catching the girl is the easy part, keeping her is the real accomplishment.

   Love don't cost a thing." Except a lot of tears, a broken heart, and wasted years.

   Remember this next time you're about to say something stupid to me: Silence is golden, but duct tape is silver.

   If you think the things I say out loud are bad, you should hear the things I keep to myself.

   A little boy examines his privates while in the bath. "Mommy, are these my brains?" His mother says, "Not yet."

   What did the ocean say to the shore? Nothing, it just waved

   Filling out a job application. Under 'Military Experience' I put that I once went commando for 4 days in a row.

   Women should come with a log book of past activities

   Instead of tagging me in ugly pictures on Facebook, I wish you could just say "I hate you" straight to my face.

   I love piecing my night together one drunk text at a time.

   It's cute how the news wants me to stick around until 11 for the forecast. As if I didn't have 100 other ways to get that info in seconds.

   Sometimes really old people scare the sh*t out of me.

   Everytime I hear strangers talking to each other in foreign languages I always automatically assume they're talking sh*t.

   I am REALLY good at what I do. You know, procrastinating and stuff.

   I have been checking facebook less and less. If this continues, I'll eventually forget about all those people for the 2nd time.