Funny Status Messages

   There's a fine line between tan, & looking like you rolled in doritos.

   You're about as uselss as the first slice of bread.

   knows that my man really love me by asking him if he does while he's sleep talkin'. It works.

   Likes Facebook because I can say whatever I want about anyone as long as it's carefully worded so you can't tell that I'm talking about you.

   would like to thank my boss for the job that gives me health insurance that covers my anxiety medication that I need to take because of this job.

   Computer games don't affect kids. If Pacman would have affected us as children, we would now run around in darkened rooms, munching pills and listening to repetetive music.........

   Scientists have revealed today that they have found a new drug for depressed lesbians.... it`s called "TRYDIXAGAIN

   ‎9/11 is a perfect example of why we can't pretend airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars :P

   at the nail salon & a lady working there asked me something. I couldn't understand, so I asked my nail tech to tell her that. He turns and said to her, "She stupid, she no understand". thx a lot nail tech..no tip for you! ha

   I just sneezed and farted simultaneously while peeing, I think I saw god.

   I wonder whose stadium will be the first to play "Who let the dogs out" when Michael Vick plays.

   Excuse me miss I believe your ass is on fire... let me help you put it out

   In America they call it Survivor, in Canada we call it camping.

   What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

   Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

   the 11th commandment; Thou shalt not mess with Leroy Jethro Gibbs

   finally catching up with my emails…..ballon boy?…..how crazy is that?

   why is it after I press 1 for english, I still cannot understand the person on the other line?

   ..i think Facebook needs a "Yes I Like Your Status And Have Commented On It ... But I Don't Want To Know When Everyone Else F*cking Does!" button

   I want to date a girl with an accent. Well....maybe just a really slow girl that sounds like she has an accent. I'm not picky:)