Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This is some bullish!t. My leg fell asleep before me... :(

   If I ever reach a point where the best part of waking up is foldgers in my cup....... I'm not sure I wana wake up

   I pay a lot of money to get that vanilla/coco butter smell in my car. I want hookers to feel welcome, not like they're stepping into a death trap.

   No matter how little I do in a day....I always feel like I could have done less.

   These internet scams must make it difficult for legitimate Nigerian royalty to share huge sums of money with strangers...

   I never knew what a sweet dream was.... Until I fell asleep thinking about you...”

   Communication during sex is like scratching someone's elses back, its not a insult to your ability if they say "little to the left and harder!" to get that spot.

   Getting old is like a haunted house. There are sounds and smells that can't be explained

   believes dinosaurs were made up by the CIA to discourage time travel.

   Told my friend if he causes us to go to jail, I am slapping the soap out of his hands...

   ask "What have you done today to prepare for a zombie outbreak."

   Why is it a relationship often turns into a relationsh*t?

   Whatever the mind of man can conceive, it can achieve.

   Great!!! Bought a Powerball ticket and a pack of smokes. Total was $6.66. BOY, I sure feel lucky for tonight's drawing.

   thinking what is this world coming too?... I started to Google "Is it wrong", when Google started to fill in the suggested searches... Ah... well.... disturbing

   Ok,,, I really like you Thursday, but it's Friday I truly love. It's not that I'm not happy when i'm with you, it's just that Friday does so much more for me!!!

   Facebook was down for a couple of hours today. Yep. Nine months from now, there's going to be a lot of babies born.

   Remember the first time you were ther leader of the line in kindergarten?........ That was the SHIZNITT!!!!

   How is illegal to talk on phone while driving in new york but its legal for the guy from cash cab to host a television show while driving?

   Chances are if you're using a pay phone, sh*t's not going well.