Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you have a parrot and you don't teach it to say,"Help, they've turned me into a parrot", you are wasting everybody's time.

   I asked my co-worker if he think he's going to Heaven. He said, "Hell yea!"......

   duck tape makes no! no! no! sound like mhmm! mhmm! mhmm!

   welcome to walmart.......get your sh*t and get out

   I've got to quit sleeping with the news on all night. I woke up this morning thinking I had just saved the world from terrorists.

   You know your life is boring when happy hour is when the kids take a nap.

   I find it helps to organize chores into categories: Things I won't do now; Things I won't do later; and, Things I'll never do.

   Wirtten on Hand dryer in Airport: Press & wait for a message from the President.

   What does the nfl and brokeback mountain have in common? Cowboys that suck

   I am now an official card carrying member P.E.T.A. - People Eating Tastey Animals.

   stopped by the cash machine today, printed out my balance statement, and it read "B**CH, YOU JUST GOT PAAAAID!!!" wohooooo! I ♥ YOU PAYDAY

   You know things are tough when my retirement plan consist of playing the lottery :(

   remember the days when Blackberry and Apple were just names of fruit?

   Sick! You can type your Facebook Password into a comment and it comes up as stars!! ********** haha cool!

   I hate that show HOUSE. He always finds the cure 3 minutes left within the show. That gimpy son of a b*tch...

   I wish my laundry were more like me and do itself.

   knock knock??? whos there?? I eat mop! I eat mopwho!! haha you eat your poo

   God wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts...

   There is nothing like bringing the log to the beaver first thing in the morning.

   knows it is a sure sign of Autumn, when the Tea Party Witch, Christine O'Donnell from Delaware, makes chowder in her cauldron.