Funny Status Messages

   COP: someone's been cutting everyone's christmas lights but not yours ME: I have no idea why a crustacean- I mean person would do that [my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]

   The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn't already hate you...

   In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid "If you don't stop fussing I'm gonna make you spend christmas with this man" and then points at me causing him to cry harder

   The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.

   Store Clerk: Happy holidays Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS [we just start choking each other]

   Christmas as a child: "Socks and Money? This is ridiculous!" Christmas as an adult: "SOCKS AND MONEY? HOW DID YOU KNOW? THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I NEEDED. I LOVE YOU"

   Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids' gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.

   The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, "Don't get me anything for Christmas."

   "Sorry about your dress." "Sorry about the nudity." "Sorry I kept calling your wife sir." - Me, the day after the office Christmas party.

   Sometimes I like to wake up super early, eat a good breakfast and read some of my friends inspirational Facebook posts to help start the day off right before going back to bed.

   me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] "no person wants this many birds"

   Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother's wives bras

   I was so mad at my parents when I found out Santa wasn’t real, I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove.

   I know what I’m getting for Christmas …Yeah that's right, Fat. I’m getting fat.

   At the summit breakfast as Boris left the table he said cherrio to Donald who responded no Honey Bunches of Oats.

   I am trying to get into the Christmas "spirit" but can't get the bottle open...

   Baby Yoda's first word probably came after his second word

   Not to brag, but I still haven’t buttoned my pants back up from Thanksgiving.

   What flavor vape oil are you leaving out for Santa this year?

   mistletoe is the gateway drug to pregnancy