Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife's cosmetics to get me in trouble.

   Welcome to your 40s - you now think every car has its brights on.

   Divorce Log: December 16, 2005 ME: Is this new bed I got us great or what!!! Wife: Uh... NO! ME: (looking down from top bunk) Why not?

   After that beating and broken jaw, Colby's probably like, "He thill yo prethident."

   You can tell the age of an artificial Christmas Tree by the lines of tape wrapped around the box it's stored in.

   #BeBest - Excludes 16 year old girls with Asperger's

   If you have a softball team and it's not called "All About that Base," well, what's the matter with you?

   It's beginning to feel a lot like Christmas needs to be less commercialized so remember whose birthday it is.

   Sex with me was once described as, "Not entirely unpleasant if you're a little drunk and have a pretty good imagination."

   My favorite thing is a woman who sticks our her b00bs in every timeline pic, then goes nuts when a guy messages her.

   Is it to early to break my new year's resolution or should I wait until after Christmas?

   Stay tuned, folks... it's getting close to my, "It's a New Year, It's A New Me" delusional time again.

   Remember children, the best way to get a puppy for Christmas is to beg for a baby brother.

   We squint at the sun because it's bright. We squint at people because they're not.

   My sex tape is called “Here I Go Again On My Own”.

   We went to buy a Christmas tree last night. It's supposed to be fun, right? At the end of the night I was so crazy I put the tree in the backseat of the car and strapped my kid to the roof.

   FedEx said that it shipped 16 million packages today on its busiest day of the year. That’s right, they handled 16 million packages. Or as the TSA calls that, “kind of a slow day.”

   🎵I'm dreaming of a White Castle Just like the ones that we all know Where the square buns glisten and I am wishin' That there's no chunks I'll have to blow 🎵

   it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy

   I’m dreaming of a White Christmas and yes I mean cocaine