Funny Status Messages

   Remember children, the best way to get a puppy for Christmas is to beg for a baby brother.

   We squint at the sun because it's bright. We squint at people because they're not.

   My sex tape is called “Here I Go Again On My Own”.

   We went to buy a Christmas tree last night. It's supposed to be fun, right? At the end of the night I was so crazy I put the tree in the backseat of the car and strapped my kid to the roof.

   FedEx said that it shipped 16 million packages today on its busiest day of the year. That’s right, they handled 16 million packages. Or as the TSA calls that, “kind of a slow day.”

   🎵I'm dreaming of a White Castle Just like the ones that we all know Where the square buns glisten and I am wishin' That there's no chunks I'll have to blow 🎵

   it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy

   I’m dreaming of a White Christmas and yes I mean cocaine

   I fell asleep reading my hard copy of "A Christmas Carol". The book slid off my lap and landed square on my big toe! Man, that hurt like the dickens.

   If you've ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you've seen me wrapping Christmas presents.

   *gives ex wife's next door neighbour a drum kit for Christmas*

   Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words "Me too"?

   I haven't been the same since my mom gave birth to me.

   I'm still watching the Never Ending Story

   My friend in Quebec is a heavy drinker. In fact he drank Canada Dry

   The actual term for the outfit a nun wears is a 'nunsie'.

   All my life, I’ve lived in walk-up buildings with no elevators. Mom was right – she told me I was always going to attract stairs.

   Well one thing about Burger King's new Impossible vegan whooper compared the classic Whopper is you don't have to wonder if it's actually made out of meat.

   Does anyone in this group know of an old couple or even a single old lady or man who will be eating alone this Christmas? I am having friends and relatives over and need to borrow a few chairs.

   I know I’m no longer a kid, but I still hold out in the childlike hope that some day money will fall out of the sky. At least enough money to buy a Three Musketeers bar and some wax lips from 7-Eleven.