Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   **when I die don't write "R.I.P" on my grave. . write "B.R.B"**

   war doesnt determin who is right... its who is left.

   If a person keeps they cereal in fridge they grew up wit roaches

   Ever try to get your toothpaste to curl up and look perfect on the toothbrush.. like it looks on the box?

   Call me the national guard then cause I wash mine before and after I piss..

   My neighbor should get a faster Internet service. This movie is taking too long to download.

   Guy in the bathroom: In the Army they taught us to wash our hands after taking a leak. Me: In the Marine Corp they taught us not to piss on our hands.

   wonder what the Elves think of Rudolph after listening to "Roxanne" by The Police?

   not easy reading a diary through binoculars from a tree.

   My attractive female neighbour is completely paranoid. She thinks I'm following or even stalking her, she is worried that I may be obsessed with her and any time she hears a noise in her house she is.....purified? Oh wait petrified, sorry it's not easy r

   The Eleventh Commandment : "Thou Shall Not Get Caught "

   The Name is Bond, Uni-Bond. I'm here to fill your crack!

   Toyota is just not doing it anymore, I think I feel safer in a GEO now days.

   wonders if the fake Irish accents on the Irish Spring commercials can sound anymore bogus , I've met a lot of people from Ireland and NONE of hem talked like that

   Unless you're the lead dog, the view never changes.

   I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

   I never believed in horoscopes until I found a magazine that accurately predicted what I was going to be doing today. Thank you, TV Guide.

   Love is a piano dropped from a fourth story window, and you were in the wrong place at the wrong time.

   still has Circus Peanuts left over from Halloween 1956. Yum!

   Mosquito's and women are alike, except a mosquito will stop sucking when you slap it....