Funny Status Messages

   Literally just spent all night surrounded by the dumbest asses in captivity.....reason number 114 why people should beat their children. If you beat them while they're children, I wouldn't need to beat them as adults......they would learn to fear and resp

   My wife asked me if she could get a boob job today. I told her to take some toilette paper, rub it in between her boobs once or twice a day for a couple months. She asked me why, I said, “It worked on your butt, didn't it?”

   was initially SHOCKED to here the statistic that "they" say 40% of fathers still pay for their daughter's whole wedding..........but then after some pondering I realized it's probably a small price to get additional women out of the house.......

   I've heard that the Eskimos have over 80 words to describe snow. Hell, they should get jobs in the Lipstick Color Naming Department at Revlon

   For Halloween, I'm going to wear a Pacman suit and chase all the Muslim women in burqas around the town centre.

   is thinking of auditioning for The X-Factor next year. Do I go with the dead relative story, or should I just rock up in a wheelchair?

   thinks it would be hysterical if Brad and Angelina's daughter, Shiloh Pitt, turned out to be dyslexic.

   Yea OK... Like I am the only man who ever wears feathers in his hair from time to time.

   My Doctor said I have a deficiency of vitamin C in my body. I guess Stoli Orange it's not a good source of vitamin C.

   Theres 2 types of people in this world.. People who have been bitten by the Easter Bunny and people who haven't..

   WOOHOO!!!! IT'S FRIDAY!!!!! Wait a damn minute, I'm working 7 10's, every day is a god damn Monday for me.

   According to all the forwards I received and never re-forwarded since I've been on the net, I will die 238 times and will have bad luck for 896 years

   Loneliness taught me evrythng in this world, Except Hw 2 4get the person who made me alone ...

   The fastest way to stop "terrorism" is to stop screwing around with other peoples countries.

   c[_] <- this a cup of HTFU. drink it and get on with it

   between the soccer team that crashed in the Andes and those 33 miners, Chile has a very good record of disasters with happy endings...

   I accidentally spilled Spot Remover on my dog... now he's gone :)

   Only you old school pervs will get this one: BOB GUCCIONE'S TOMBSTONE: Here Lies "Name Held Upon Request" 1930-2010

   It's better to give than to receive... especially in prison.

   Laying on my TV watching the couch. I needed to switch things up a bit.