Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   am I the only one who gets the urge to kick small children when I see them walking really slowly in front of me?

   The mullet is a helmet for domestic violence.

   World population rankings: 1:China 2:India 3:Facebook 4:USA

   Laundry, my old nemesis…so we meet again. And I see you have brought your sidekick, Dirty Dishes with you. Well played evil villian, well played.

   My girlfriend got f**ked by a clown before we dated. So I have some pretty big shoes to fill.

   Wanted, Teenager owners manuel for models 1993 thru 1996. Must be kid tested and mother approved.

   taking a trip to the "far side" today.. Yes.. I am going to Wal-Mart..

   I must be lost. I thought paradise was further south.

   if I was a squirrel, and you were a tree I would store my nuts in your hole.

   Micheal Jackson was as straight as curly fries.....

   Sometimes a big fish in a small pond is just a fat guy in a baby pool.

   has just killed thier relationship asking "is it in?"

   I am constantly washing my hands just in case I am required to deliver a baby in a broken elevator.

   ...the good news: the Rangers are going to the Finals!! the bad news: wrong Rangers :(

   flooding newsfeeds with youtube videos....

   Game set match = tennis : set match run = arson.

   going crazy. Wanna join?

   I took my dog for a walk and played Frisbee with her, but she was useless. I really need to get a flatter dog. :)

   "Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research."...Wilson Mizner

   Refuses to comment on the grounds that it might incriminate me.