Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   New year, new me *finally fixes that plate thing in the microwave so it rotates*

   Divorce Log 2006: My ex had her credit card stolen, but I didn't report it. The person who stole it used it less than she did.

   I'm not making any New Year's resolutions this year as they always just go in year and out the next.

   You can tell a lot about a person by the music on their iPod.

   No, I didn't gain weight over the holidays....I'm just retaining Christmas cookies, that's all....

   the edited version of Home Alone 2 is much better!!!

   The week between Christmas and New Year's should be called "Taint Week".

   I have a lot of imaginary friends. They are real people, I just have to pretend they are my friends.

   Don't forget to reset your calendars December 31st at midnight!

   I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call

   My ability to remember a song lyric from the 80’s far exceeds my ability to remember why I walked into the kitchen. ‬

   In two days my optometrist promised me 2020 vision.

   I read Marie Kondo's book about tidying up...now I'm getting a divorce

   If you call me from a private number, I will respect your privacy and not answer.

   This girl I know said she has 206 bones in her body. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207

   Actually, we're crying about Home Alone 2 period.

   Dear you people. Why are you crying about the Home Alone 2 cut which was done in 2014???? Are you people really proud of being stupid?

   I got one of those Instant Pot gadgets for Christmas. What a load of BS. 3 days now and it hasn't produced any weed whatsoever. Instant Pot my eye.

   The guy below doesn't seem to get that everyone knows he posts nonsense.

   Remember at the stroke of midnight new years eve to lift your left leg, so you'll start the new year on the right foot.