Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 553 of 6383
When they shoot scenes w stagecoaches in Westerns, I bet the horses think "Hey wtf? We're not supposed to have to do this sheet anymore"
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08-27-2019 10:44
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If you're drinking a Starbucks coffee while complaining about paying $3.20 a gallon for gas, you should have your license revoked.
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08-27-2019 10:43
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I'm worried my cat isn't eating enough fish skeletons out of trashcans.
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08-27-2019 10:41
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my friend put me in charge of picking up the wedding cake today LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL RIP CAKE
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08-27-2019 10:40
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Whenever Adobe Flash tells me to update I download and install an even older version, that's MY revolution
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08-27-2019 10:39
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Until you lean in to hear a seven-year-old's whisper, you don't realize that front teeth act as a retaining wall for spit.
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08-27-2019 10:37
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Where did the word "etymology" come from?
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08-27-2019 10:36
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Nothing says 'neighbours' quite like stealing each others WiFi
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08-27-2019 10:35
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"Here, let me suck as much life from you as possible." -jobs
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08-27-2019 10:35
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The cat puked under my bed. Cleanup efforts only made it worse. It's time to renew our commitment to developing alternative sources of cute.
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08-27-2019 09:53
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If I’m ever on Jeopardy I hope the final category isn’t “Can You Tell These Mumford & Sons Songs Apart.”
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08-27-2019 09:50
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Kmart always smells like if Walmart was found dead in its apartment after three days.
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08-27-2019 09:47
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It's not every day you're woken up with a blow job from a beautiful woman. And today was no different.
I wish all tests were things you peed on
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08-27-2019 07:31
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Plot twist: two birds kill YOU with one stone.
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08-27-2019 07:30
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I like to throw a fake punch at a hoooker's crotch. If she flinches, I know it's a dude.
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08-27-2019 07:28
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I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it's even weirder than you imagine.
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08-27-2019 07:28
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Her: I love that thing you do to make me moan. Me: *makes another plate of nachos*
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08-27-2019 07:27
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Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
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08-27-2019 07:25
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To be fair when I was younger I didn't really understand the difference between England and the United Kingdom.
I was 12. I wasn't running a country.
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08-27-2019 06:58
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