Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's illegal to text and drive, but it's not against the law to work on ur laptop whilest driving. Thanks policeman for making that clear.

   The day I confuse the Google search box with my Facebook status update box will be a tragic, life changing and possibly fatal one.

   if you want it sugar coated, go to Dunkin Donuts.

   Since you clearly don't know the difference between Prince Charming and The Big Bad Wolf, I'm soo revoking your Disney Princess Fan Club Membership.

   I raised the alarm at work today.The midgets were furious.

   Womens football. If it isn't raining I'm just not interested.

   I bought a dog once. Named him Stay. "Come here, Stay." He's insane now.

   loves picking his nephew up from Preschool cause the single mothers are usually late and so am I :D

   Today's level of difficulty is shaping up to be "Wheelie on a unicycle."

   I went on Dragons Den the other night and showed them my Dads old Shotgun. Peter Jones said " And whats your idea?" I replied "It's a simple Concept Peter just put all the Money in the f**king bag!"

   Hello Network Solutions, we have a problem.

   Some people, even in photos, just look like they'll smell.

   you know you're getting older when your back goes out more than you do

   My secret fantasy is to have two women at the same time, one cooking and one cleaning.

   hates driving by people who are texting and driving. It's times like that, that I wish my Subaru came with rocket launchers

   For Sale: 24 pedigree pigeons, call 0161 123 1234 and ask for Tyrone......

   Just seen a scarecrow trying to have a wank..... Poor fucker was clutching at straws !!

   Why do paper towel dispensers in public restrooms give you just enough to keep your hands slightly damp?

   Me and a friend have been texting "LOL" back and forth for the last 10 min. Neither 1 of us have anything else to say but don't want to be the rude one not to text back!

   The McRib is made of the same fat they injected in Joan Rivers lips.