Funny Status Messages

   Sometimes when my gf is asleep, I like to sneak into the living room, put on her dress, and pretend I wear the pants in this relationship.

   Women seem to want security. At least that's what they yell whenever I approach them.

   I went line dancing last night. Well, it was a roadside sobriety test. Same thing.

   I've never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker's Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.

   I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.

   I have been called annoying, not once, not twice, not three times not four times not five times not six times not seven times not eight times not nine times not ten times not eleven times not twelve times not thirteen times not even 14 times._.

   Last year my New Year's resolution was to loss 30 lbs and now that we're about to ring in another New Year I'm happy to say that I've only got 40 more pounds to go!

   Stupid people are like glow sticks. I want to bend them in half until they break, and then shake the s*** out of them until their light turns on.

   Most people sleep peaceably in their beds at night because there are men out there ready to do violence on their behalf.

   It only takes one slow walking person in the grocery store to destroy the illusion that I’m a nice person.

   Sometimes I open my mouth and my mother comes out.

   A good man breaks your headboard, not your heart. -Rules to live by.

   I don’t jump to conclusions. I cannonball into them like a boss.

   I hate it when I eat my last bite, not realizing it’s the last bite, then immediately get sad because I wasn’t able to mentally prepare.

   You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say or do will probably be put on YouTube by the time you make bail. -Fact of life

   After a lot of thought and research, last night I finally made a decision on my New Years Resolution.....going with 1080p

   12-31-2019 11:00, I said it once and I'll say it again. If you're not happy here, the leave! No one is forcing you to stay.

   National debt top $22 Trillion for the first time in US history! Recession, here we come! So much winning!

   Freddie Mercury has replaced Elvis as the go to star for Boomer ladies.

   The deleted scene from Home Alone 2 was Trump talking to Kevin Mcallister and asking him to find dirt on Joe Biden.