Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   After watching Final Destination, I now have visions. I won't go into details, but please stay away from revolving doors, and roti.

   WARNING: Facebook contains traces of nuts.

   If Abe Vigoda adopted Dakota Fanning, the resulting name would be funny.

   Heart palpitations count as cardio, right?

   ‎10 should be the limit of how many times you can go on Maury looking for your baby daddy.

   If you say "beer can" with a British accent, you can say "bacon" with a Jamaican accent.

   Here's a helpful hint: the fastest way to get a hold of a live person is to scream obscenities at the voice prompts.

   Reports show that $22 billion in productivity is lost to social media, but I'm pretty sure people slacked off before Facebook.

   thinks the “8″ in “Kate Plus 8″ refers to the remaining viewers.

   dropped my car off for an ice cream paint job, but they messed up and got it CLEAN on the inside and CREAM on the outside. Idiots.

   feeling so good today. High-five the person next to you and tell them it's from me.

   so dependent on the Google "did you mean ____?" that I barely bother to spell anything correctly anymore.

   “Playtime is over, worktime has be-gun!” – Stewie Griffin

   was about to put on my white jeans then realized it's after Labour Day. Phew, what a fashion mistake that would have been. I put on my acid washed jeans and leg warmers instead.

   always look on the bright side. For example, don't think of yourself as an ugly person, think of yourself as a beautiful monkey.

   going to have to start following my brain. Clearly, my heart is an idiot.

   ‘s computer is sooo slooow. It must be running Windows B.C.

   Dear Taylor Swift, Kanye took your microphone not your virginity. Let's move on...

   credits Tetris for the speed and agility I display when loading the dishwasher.

   thought they put covers on books so I COULD judge them.