Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can’t wait for next week when the gym is empty again.

   The Amish powerball is up to 200 chickens & a goat.

   Screenplay I’m working on: The entire world is taken over by our phones when they become sentient. Title: Planet of the Apps

   I'm so old when I was a kid the World Wide Web was connected by a string, and two cups.

   I'm so old when I was a kid the World Wide Web what is connected by a string, and two cups.

   80 million all in one lump sum??? Where do I sign up?

   I learned years ago, never trust a weather guesser. You learn that quickly when you have to shovel 8 inches of partly cloudy off your driveway so you can go to work. LOL

   You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.

   Have you read the Dr. Seuss book about an elephant at a rock concert? Its called "Horton Hears The Who."

   I don't believe I get enough credit for the fact that I do all of this without being on any medication.

   Does any one want 200 broken triple A batteries? There's no charge.

   I bought some new "London Bridge Jeans" They keep falling down.

   Like a blind man in an orgy, I was going to have to feel my way through

   Like a midget at a urinal, I was going to have to keep on my toes.

   I'm tired of girlfriends treating me like a god, as in only call on me when they need something and ignore me the rest of the time.

   My supervisor said I'm worth my weight in gold so I'm eating these donuts to increase my value.

   I can't find my "Gone in 60 Seconds" DVD. It was here a minute ago.

   January is the month that people are most likely to be fired — especially if you’re an elf.

   I'm sick of people contradicting me when I insist that there IS such a thing as an emotional support lasagna.

   *The only differance between brown nosing and butt kissing is depth perception.