Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job? ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine

   So it's not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that's driving an armored truck. I know that now.

   It's getting warmer. The polar vortex that put the country into a deep freeze that past few years is now up north in Canada. Finally, payback for giving us Justin Bieber and Celine Dion.

   Writing a book - it's about a good looking high level general in an Islamic country that wants to change his daily routine. So he makes a deal with a world power to fake his death. In return for his intel, he gets a massive payout & 70 hookers in Miami!

   It finally dawned on me why I was bad at math. I noticed during school lunch that my sandwiches were only cut in half. The smart kids' sandwiches were cut into trapezoids and parallelograms.

   [Morgan Freeman narrating my life] "He's still sleeping.

   Preventing wars while protecting a nation's interests is hard. Starting them while serving only your own interests is easy.

   "Have a nice day, unless you've made other plans."

   Pancakes: Because NO, you cannot have cake for breakfast, but you can have fried cake for breakfast.

   I can’t wait for next week when the gym is empty again.

   The Amish powerball is up to 200 chickens & a goat.

   Screenplay I’m working on: The entire world is taken over by our phones when they become sentient. Title: Planet of the Apps

   I'm so old when I was a kid the World Wide Web was connected by a string, and two cups.

   I'm so old when I was a kid the World Wide Web what is connected by a string, and two cups.

   80 million all in one lump sum??? Where do I sign up?

   I learned years ago, never trust a weather guesser. You learn that quickly when you have to shovel 8 inches of partly cloudy off your driveway so you can go to work. LOL

   You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.

   Have you read the Dr. Seuss book about an elephant at a rock concert? Its called "Horton Hears The Who."

   I don't believe I get enough credit for the fact that I do all of this without being on any medication.

   Does any one want 200 broken triple A batteries? There's no charge.