Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.

   I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short” She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me"

   I went to buy a set of salad plates. I asked the saleslady at Ross if they had any 8" plates. She said, "Plates are like men." I asked, "How so?" She goes, "They say 8", but they're actually 6".

   *Playing pirates with my kids “I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”

   I do squats so I don’t have to work on my personality.

   A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours

   Just so everyone knows: The bank shut down my debit card because it suspected fraudulent activity and the purchase I had to review was two tickets to see CATS

   I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg

   Now days crappy guys only want one thing from a woman. Back in the old days, they wanted them to also do the dishes and keep house.

   I want to play Dodge Ball with random people who don't know they are playing.

   I'm so old I remember when friends had to inviting you over if they wanted to share what they were having for dinner.

   Given the species' reputation, you'd think Bugs Bunny would have more relatives.

   What it all boils down to is evaporation.

   Three things I’m thankful for this time of year: Family, Friends and Caller ID to avoid the first two things.

   INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job? ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine

   So it's not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that's driving an armored truck. I know that now.

   It's getting warmer. The polar vortex that put the country into a deep freeze that past few years is now up north in Canada. Finally, payback for giving us Justin Bieber and Celine Dion.

   Writing a book - it's about a good looking high level general in an Islamic country that wants to change his daily routine. So he makes a deal with a world power to fake his death. In return for his intel, he gets a massive payout & 70 hookers in Miami!

   It finally dawned on me why I was bad at math. I noticed during school lunch that my sandwiches were only cut in half. The smart kids' sandwiches were cut into trapezoids and parallelograms.

   [Morgan Freeman narrating my life] "He's still sleeping.