Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 548 of 6383
Wal-mart is now a gun-free zone. They should change their name to Target.
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09-05-2019 15:41
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I just helped my neighbor take an old rolled up carpet to the landfill. Her husband would have done it but he's out of town.
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09-05-2019 15:12
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The waitress asked if I was done with that, I said yes but I'm married to it.
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09-05-2019 12:13
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I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn't look like we're six days into battling a poltergeist.
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09-05-2019 12:12
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Don't you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
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09-05-2019 12:11
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Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?” Me, “Please...I have a family.”
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09-05-2019 12:11
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I drove by two different First Baptist churches today. One of them is lying.
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09-05-2019 12:10
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An elementary school teacher's most important job is to tell one kid per year they'll never amount to sh*t in order to spark their rap career
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09-05-2019 12:10
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It's all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he's driving a hearse.
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09-05-2019 12:09
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*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart* Acme online: people who buy this also buy - bird-feeder - giant mouse trap - jet-propelled pogo stick - painting fake tunnels for dummies -first aid kit - anvil
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09-05-2019 12:09
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If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
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09-05-2019 12:08
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After further investigation, it was determined that Kevin Hart’s booster seat was not fastened correctly.
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09-05-2019 08:27
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My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
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09-05-2019 06:27
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Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond* Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
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09-05-2019 06:26
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I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I'm in Solitaire confinement.
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09-05-2019 06:26
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Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
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09-05-2019 06:25
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Can't make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor's chicken coop.
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09-05-2019 06:25
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If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
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09-05-2019 06:15
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horrifying if literal: the electric slide
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09-05-2019 06:15
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Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
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09-05-2019 06:15
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