Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wow!! Tension's in Korea is increasing. Rumor has it that France has already offered to surrender........

   If I select the "Advance Pat Down" option instead of the Full Body Scanner, do I get some Barry White music and a nice glass of Merlot?

   Kate Middleton goes to the Queen and says, ”Every time I suck William's c*ck I get acid indigestion”. The Queen replies, ”Have you tried Andrews?”

   Christmas came early!!! Happy EIGHTEENTH Birthday Miley!!!

   I hate to see my food go to waist.

   has done the mathematical calculations... Tuesday is the humpday of a 3-day work week.

   it costs 50 Cent to buy 2Pac's of Eminems...which is Ludacris!

   Mr. Peanut's last words: Bye, dear. Back in a Jif.

   says that "I call 'em like I see 'em" loosely translated to "Im a douchebag, deal with it"

   Morning cardio routine: Stretch. Gravity Hand Slam on snooze button. Pull arm back under covers. Roll over. Wait 9 Minutes. Repeat

   So my teenage kids can just about do anything with a any phone or computer or camera. When I was that age I thought I was cool because I had a new cordless phone that stored 10 numbers, and I could sit outside with it within distance

   overheard in the Oval Office: "If Bristol Palin wins tonight, we bomb Alaska in 10 minutes."

   Typos: The cause of many trivial arguments.

   does anybody actually say "booyah" anymore? I think those letters should be separated and granted restraining orders against each other

   I was watching 100 sexiest men on E! last night, and when then got to number 1 my TV turned into a mirror. *wink wink*

   loves the wind in my hair, the sun shining on my face while horseback riding. oh damn...i need another quarter

   Advice for the day: If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.

   You know its going to be a rough day when you wake up on the wrong side of someone else's bed and don't remember how you go there.

   am addicted. I bought all the iPhone,iPad,iTouch...now iBroke,ihomeless and iRegret.

   my fripples are nozen.