Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Tornados in the North Texas area are very likely this afternoon. Meteorologists are urging the public to gather in the Dallas Cowboys Stadium where no touchdowns are possible this season!

   The Internet: Where no one is afraid to say the first thing that pops into their head

   I'm not lazy. Someone just stole my motivation. I'm the victim here!

   I could be completely naked and I'd still look less slutty than this girl.

   You should consider buying a new car when you have to rearrange the seats whenever you hit a pothole.

   I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert.

   My favorite text message: "I'll be there in 5 minutes... if not, read this again."

   I like using big words to sounds smart: utilizing gargantuan idioms to fabricate intelligence.

   I love how bouillon cubes come in bright shiney yellow (chicken flavored) and red (Beef flavored) packages, I am set for halloween trickery.

   How many Snickers are an acceptable meal replacement?

   Bag of apples check,Bag of caramel check, Pumpkin check, Pack of razorblades check ,The look of concern on the cashiers face at walmart PRICELESS!!!

   Nothing says "My boyfriend is a cholo!" quite like a hickey.

   Learn how to spell Science you ruhtard

   I didn't say you were ugly. I said your girlfriend is better looking then you, and standing next to her you look ugly.

   You're gonna run into jerk offs. But remember, it's not the size of the a**hole you worry about, it's how much crap comes out of it.

   You don't have to be good to succeed. You just gotta be the least Crappy option. Example: We're eating at The Olive Garden.

   since when the hell did the price of apples and razors go up? geez!

   my Sunday coupons are now bilingual, and it didn't even give me the option to press 1 for English.

   3.14 % of sailors are PI rates

   why do strangers always have the best candy?