Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ummmm excuse me to my lovely US of A buddies but here in Australia the word "FANNY" means a completely different thing....so when you ask me if I use a fanny pack just remember this for future reference PMSL

   it's so cold outside that all the politicians have their hands in their own pockets.

   :: The Twilight saga - it's like Star Wars for chicks ;)

   I bet you Randy Moss wishes he could be traded again.

   ‎25yr old Wayne Rooney celebrates his £250,000 a week pay deal sippin pink champagne in a hot pool in Dubai. Over in Afghanistan a 24yr old soldier is sippin warm water for not much more than £250 a week,in a hostile country surrounded by people who w

   Halloween - the one day of the year peadophiles get home delivery

   after watching "The Walking Dead" premiere tonight on AMC. I'm going to dream about zombies tonight. Its okay becasue with my skills I'm sure I'll be the zombies nightmare.

   Going to create a new social networking site called Myface because it would be hilarious to hear someone say, "Have you been on myface today?"

   People who use sporks can't be trusted.

   can anyone tell me where that McDonald's is?.. ya know, the one in that commercial where you can drive thru 4 times in a row with your baby while no one else waiting in line.. AND get a free egg McMuffin and coffee?

   Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

   What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino? El-if-i-no

   confused as a Amish guy at Best Buy.

   My insomnia has narcolepsy...

   For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O Donnell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O Donnell.

   Many of you have asked what my ex-wife looks like. Just look up in the sky tonight... she's the one on the broom.

   I'm tired of the Police ruining my fun, they said it's "Illegal" to take up an entire aisle in toy section at Walmart by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.

   Jesus turned water into wine!..ok..I can turn my whole paycheck into beer BAH!!!...your turn Jesus.

   I saw some bright orange splatter on the drive home from DC....it was either a smashed pumpkin, or John Boehner--either way I assumed it was worthless and wasn't stopping

   What is the scariest part of halloween? Giving away all you Reese's Peanut Butter Cups!