Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   not responsible for LMAO's that actually cause your ass to fall off. Or LOL's that cause you being arrested for laughing too loud. Or people that are "dying laughing." I am not responsible for funeral fees. With that being said, enjoy my wall.

   When can we expect Randy Moss to ask Randy Moss how Randy Moss feels about being waived?....

   Next stop... THANKSGIVING! Stand clear of the food and cold please!

   Prank idea: Pay a homeless man to run up to someone at an outdoor drinking fountain and yell "Get away from my bidet!"

   Jerry springer say's, "The difference between his guests and politicians are the number of their teeth."

   You can't choose your family, but you can ignore their phone calls.

   I bought a Tempurpedic mattress just so that I'd have an excuse to go to sleep with a giant glass of wine every night.

   wants to open a combination Spanish and Italian restaurant and call it "Que Pasta"

   theres no I in gangbang

   my wife cant wrestle but you should see her box.

   the most humiliating walk of shame includes a Halloween costume...smile

   I was going to post about being paranoid, but I'm afraid that will lead them straight to me!

   Stans' Rule #39: When showering at a guest house and your not 100% sure about the towel, DON'T dry your face. Doing so may lead to resentful feelings of said guest!

   Day after Halloween party at my place for the ladies. Come to my house in a hot sexy costume for tricks or treats or both. ;0)

   Chills and they're multiplying

   Did you hear the one about the woman who was sexually attracted to electronic devices? She blew a fuse.

   texting with Jenn Sterger.

   I'm extending Halloween one MORE day for everyone. I talked to your boss, (s)he said no problem as long as you come to work in a slutty costume.

   How does every ethnic joke start? By looking over your shoulder.

   I'll be spending most of today putting Santa hats on all my Halloween decorations.