Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   converted my dishwasher into a snowblower: bought the wife a new snow shovel for her birthday!

   bad Facebook!! you almost made me take out that row of mailboxes

   im a fan of the tube top, but even tires have pressure limits....

   Why is the FONT so small on Facebook all of the sudden. I see the Republicans have started with their nonsense already.

   Whatever happened to the happy Mentos commercials. Those were the highlight of my day!!!!

   I'm fat! If I stare at something too hard I break a sweat!

   Woke up and decided to do something crazy today so I went and had my va-jay-jay pierced! All the pain was worth it since now I pick up free XM Satellite Radio! I just can't stand in front of the microwave anymore.

   It's a given that whatever hits the fan is never distributed evenly.

   you know you're getting old when your toilet paper supply starts to take up an entire closet!!!!

   ‎"Hold my beer and watch this." ...that sure brings back high school memories..

   And don't even get me started on statements with no context.

   ... hmm ... If you try 2 google myspace you'll get " did you mean Facebook ?"

   First 5 people to like this shall receive a hand crafted statue of me wrestling an invisible bear.

   A vote for Obama is a vote for demise!!

   If it's your birthday this month, then you know your parents really enjoyed Valentine's Day.

   The snooze button is life's way of saying that waking up sucks.

   From now on if you type, "LOL" you should have to submit a video proving it.

   I hope someone gets a pic of Lil Wayne on his way out high-fiving T.I. on his way in.

   They say do what you love & the money will follow. I love doing nothing. We'll see.

   Why is the dollar drink @ Mc D's smaller than the dollar Sweet Tea?? I jus dump that sh*t out n refill it wit Hi-C.