Funny Status Messages

   Too bad people can't smell their own breath, this guy came to solicit at my front door this morning and his breath was scalding. He needed a Listerine popsicle!

   The thing guys want most for Christmas: A portrait of themselves in a karate outfit, leaning against a sweet Trans Am.

   resisting the new profile page.. Read the signs people! Today, your profile page.. tomorrow the world!

   busier than the drummer of Def Leppard.

   on my way to the catalina wine mixer....

   You know you've been playing "Call of Duty" too much, when during sex, you shout "COVER ME! I'm RELOADING!"

   i find tinsel distracting

   I'm buying 100 Gyro-bowls for Christmas. I'm tired of spilling my vodka when I stumble out of the bathroom. who wants one?

   I think I may have misunderstood my boss when she told me that she loved seeing me hard at work.

   if you want to feel skinny....hang out with a group of fat people!

   #5856 That's how many troops have been killed in Iraq & Afghanistan protecting freedom. The other number games don't matter.

   Can I refill your eggnog for ya? Get ya something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere, leave ya for dead?

   I learned two valuable lessons today: 1. 2. Write down valuable lessons before you smoke weed.

   I hate sharing a name with someone famous. I'm always telling people, "No, no! I'm not THAT Batman!"

   I better lay off the Christmas cookies, my snow angel I just made looks like someone just pulled a stump out of my yard.

   Since that one incident in the restroom, I can never look at chocolate the same......

   The quiet evening in didn't sound that promising until I realized I have beer in the fridge!

   Smiling at the person who know's they have pissed you off can be the highlight of your day. :)

   ¡ǝɯıʇ ǝɯɐs ǝɥʇ ʇɐ ʞooqǝɔɐɟ ǝsn puɐ puɐʇspuɐɥ ɐ op ʎןןɐuıɟ uɐɔ

   thinks that swearing was invented as a compromise between running away and fighting.