Funny Status Messages

   I've worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn't noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.

   It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.

   Today is National Winnie the Pooh Day, which is why I’m not wearing any pants.

   Today’s the start of the “Christmas hangover.” The holidays are over and everyone is getting their credit card bills. I just got mine and I can’t believe I spent that much on the Thigh Master.

   If you have a crush on me tell me b4 I invest my Valentines Money in Mutual funds

   How can he be full of crap if he needs to flush his toilet 10 times when he done crapping?

   "I don't think I can get through a day without my middle finger."

   My dog ate an entire bottle of Tums. I freaked out, so I called the veterinarian and asked him what I should do. He goes, "Take him out for Mexican?"

   "The main thing about being a woman is trying to lock in moisture" -TV

   How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?

   If you want to look at who controls you, look at who you are not allowed to criticize.

   Technically, you can pick your friend's nose. Probably only once, tho...

   Interviewer: how are you with excel Me: I hate it Interviewer: an experienced user then

   The neighbor is having an open home How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?

   My wife felt me because I’m dyslexic.

   "FOUR MORE EARS! FOUR MORE EARS! FOUR MORE EARS!" --Me eating an insane amount of corn

   I do crunches twice a day now. Captain in the morning and Nestle in the afternoon...

   Just saw a spider. It was sleeping. I crawled into its mouth.

   There is a fine line between "I'm not doing anything except looking at Facebook" & " I'm not doing anything because I'm looking at Facebook"

   It's been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I'm going there in person tomorrow to see what's really going on.