Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wanna take a wiffle ball bat into malls during Christmas shopping for those idiots that just stop suddenly in the middle of the walking area. That humming thump noise while I crack it across the back of their heads would bring joy to my holiday season

   Ctrl + C ... Plagiarism Simplified

   If letting him bang me while I wear reindeer antlers and a painted red nose doesn't get him in the Christmas spirit nothing will!

   it's nearing the festive season again and so just a reminder that a doggy is not just for christmas, it's a great position all year round!

   The dogbone cutout cookies didn't exactly keep their shape after baking. What am I going to do with 12 dozen double pe#is shaped cookies?

   She's doing shots in her underwear , a fur hat an mittens!!! I'm never coming home!!!

   Don't worry about what you eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas. Worry about what you eat between Christmas and Thanksgiving

   When you fight with a pig in the mud you both get dirty, but the pig likes it!

   I think the grammatically correct way to describe my current Christmas disposition would have to be "present tense".

   The Co-op ran of out of milk again because of the bad weather. Thankfully Doreen, my 92 yr old neighbour, has loads of it piled up at her front door.

   BBC NEWS: Government plans to ban all Internet porn. On an unrelated note, does anyone want to buy a laptop?

   You think you've got problems? I dropped my cocaine in the snow this morning.

   I was sorting out my loose change when I dropped a 1p coin and saw it roll into a drain, which everyone around me thought was hilarious. Laughing at my ex-pence.

   Last night I tried to go out for an Italian meal, but there was a large, fat lady standing in the doorway. I couldn't get pasta.

   Only Till Facebook came Along Did We Realize How Much We All Like.

   just spent an hour at Walmart and I no longer believe in evolution.

   Save the stamp. I see enough pictures of your kids on facebook. #MerryChristmas.

   got bored with the eclipse and watched Lord of the G-strings instead.

   nickname is shower,turn me on & I will make you very wet

   Takes 600 photos, chooses the most flattering photo of myself, and then goes through grueling editing before uploading a new profile picture. Then make it seem like it was a random upload, I'm sneaky like that