Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I asked my kid, “Do you know why we have a Thanksgiving holiday?” He said, “Sure! It's so we know when to start Christmas shopping!”

   Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then they discover once a year is way too often.

   People get way too dramatic when telling a waiter they haven't left room for desert.

   Kanye West calls Thanksgiving "You're Welcome Day."

   If someone has something bad to say about you, it's probably because they have nothing good to say about themselves.

   Thanksgiving advice: Sit at the kids table for as many years as possible.

   Writing. Like. This. Doesnt. Make. Your. Point. Any. Stronger. It. Makes. It. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma.

   Mom: I've been here four hours and you haven't put your phone down once. How do you always miss my calls?

   At what point did the police change their motto from, "To Serve and Protect" to "To Pester and Annoy?"

   God, give back Bob Marley and take Justin Bieber instead

   please remember to drive safely, responsibly n a bit slower than how fast your guardian angel can fly

   Dear future politicians, If one of you promises to synchronize a few traffic signals around here, you'll get my vote. Sincerely, Taxpayer #317.

   Ahhhh nothing like a cigarette and kicking back with your feet up after a rigerous workout with the Shake Weight

   I almost touched my toes, a year ago I couldn't even see them. #ExerciseIsGood

   The situation in N. Korea has caused 0bama to elevate his mood from "concerned" to "really concerned". Next step: "Super-duper concered", but only if it doesn't offend any Asian-American-Asians-of-Asian-Decent.

   Bill Clinton Joins Cast of The Hangover 2

   There are more woman than men in mental hospitals... which just goes to show who's driving whom crazy.

   Don't be offended if I don't ask if you enjoyed it - I don't care.

   Doggie style is the preferred position - the reason is less eye contact the better.

   Wrap it in foil before checking her oil.