Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I love going to the gym. They have free internet!

   I have the New Evo by Sprint. They told me this is a smart phone. I said "yeah yeah yeah" I didnt believe him until this morning when my phone woke me up, got me dressed, brushed my teeth, made me breakfast, warmed my car, locked the door, ect!

   next time I get in a relationship I'm gonna ask better questions like "Do you have cacaroaches in your house? Do you have a job? Do you like to milk men for all they got? And do you know how to cook anything other than Hot Pockets? Did you graduate?"

   Agrees that "You can If you "turn it on" your monkey ass better "turn it off". If you "drop it" your clumsy ass better "pick it up". If you "broke it" your stupid ass better "fix it". If you "lost it" your forgetful ass better "find it"

   Friends don't let friends wear mullets.

   Ive been looking for my phone for over 3 hours. I cant find it nowhere! This happened ever since I downloaded this new app from Android called "HIDE AND SEEK".

   you want sympathy? look it up in the dictionary, its right between sh*t and syphilis.

   you have more problems than a math book.

   Someone please tell me why in the hell someone would open a tanning salon in an all black neighborhood?

   It dosen't mtetar in waht oredr the lettres in a wrod are. The olny imtorpant thnig is taht the frist and lsat leettr be in the rhgit palce. The rset can be a ttoal mses and you can stlil raed it wihtout peoblrm.

   The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

   I hate when girls show there muffin top and still think there sexy

   Easy Bake Oven, Teaching Girls Their Place Since 1963

   Girls have more guy friends because they cause less drama

   Sarcasm is a dish best served instantly.

   Mother Nature is blowing everyone tonight.

   "Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work or prison."

   If I ever win the lottery, the first thing I'm doing with my winnings is hiring Morgan Freeman to read me bedtime stories.

   its Wednesday...How about a mercy hump?

   This vacuum has amazing suction, but no respect for my safe word.