Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My favorite text message: "I'll be there in 5 minutes...if not, read this again."

   I am always confused when people ask me.. "Did you sleep good?" I always wonder if they want me to say.."No, I made a few mistakes"..

   Does a one legged duck swim in a circle?

   Just got an email from Myspace that said, "see what your friends are up to!". Facebook. That's what they are up to. It's over....Tom

   it's not possible to calmly walk away from a dark basement!

   Do fleas ever wonder if there's life on other dogs?

   Here's an idea for Christmas; Give children batteries with a note saying toys not included!!! lol

   I blame my addiction on violent movies and video games on my dad giving me the movie RoboCop when I was 5.

   If you're dyslexic then this numbers game is not for you!

   making "fruitcakes" out of stuff I find under my sofa cushions

   Banks today are sending out pre-declined offers!

   Someone needs to help Rihanna, she likes rude boys, loves it when people lie to her, and apparently forgot her name

   I'm pretty sure the Mayans just got tired of writing that calendar

   The hot neighbor chick snores. ...... When she's being watched....... From her closet. ..... Apparently!

   Santa calls me a Ho three times when he sees me. Like he knows me or somethin...

   Women just sit there and let it finish dripping, where as Men will shake it till it's all out....that's what I've noticed at the GAS pumps.

   WOW! I've just seen who STALKS me on Facebook! You can too! = You just got hacked sucka!!

   Attention Please: Christmas has been canceled. Apparently when you told Santa you've been good this year, he died laughing.

   Overheard at grocery: "Paper or plastic, sir?" "Doesn't matter. I'm bisacksual."

   Have you ever woke up wanting to smack someone for no apparent reason?