Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "If during your medical exam your doctor says I need to google this...... It's time to get a new doctor."

   When the judge told Mickey he couldn't grant his divorce from Minnie just because you say she crazy. Mickey said, I didn't say she crazy..... I said she's f***ing Goofy.

   "A trail of clothes leading up to a bedroom before marriage ment a night of pashionate love making. Now it means you dropped them on your way from the dryer.

   I'm one smooth operator until I have to get onto an escalator. Then it's more like a baby giraffe finding its legs.

   If I end up getting the Coronavirus, I’d prefer to have it on the beach with a lime

   Movie Theater Tip: When you go to a movie the first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you, so nobody can sit there.

   Did you hear that NASA has launched several cows into orbit? It was the herd shot around the world.

   Bless the millions that will be attending the March for Life in DC today, with our President.

   Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works

   You've probably already heard that Mr. Peanut died. But, don't worry. He'll be back in a Jif.

   STACY mom, wife, teacher. Also a lying actress.

   After years of changing beds & emptying bed pans, the song "Bootylicious" never did much for me.

   No disrespect to the Vatican, but the actual first Sunday in Ordinary Time is the first Sunday after the Super Bowl.

   My wife asked me if I wanted to see Hootie And The Blowfish. I told her I only wanna be with you.

   I missed my mammogram appointment yesterday. When I called today they said they could squeeze me in.

   If I know one thing for sure it's that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they'd eaten more celery.

   My brother in-law just called with some terrible news.. He tasted a bag of white powder he found in his son's backpack and his worst fears were realized... Gymnastic chalk.

   The problem with driving an old air-cooled Volkswagen bus is kids keep mistaking it as an ice cream truck, and the worst part is it's so slow they could almost catch you.

   In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

   People think I’m stupid because I have a lisp. You know what? I’m thick of it..